My Perfect Little Punching Bag
by AquaWolfy
Summary: Karkat is just such a little assmunch, isn't he? Song-shot using "Please Don't Leave Me" by P!nk. Humanstuck, Au, Karkat/Gamzee


_I don't know if I can yell any louder,_

_How many times have I kicked you out of here?_

_Or said something insulting?_

_I can be so mean when I wanna be,_

_I am capable of really anything,_

_I can cut you into pieces… When my heart is broken…_

"Gog dammit, Gamzee, where the fuck are you!" Karkat Vantas screamed into his cell phone. On the other end, his roommate reeled his ear away from his own cellular device. Eh, this was no big deal. Gamzee was used to this type of audile assault. Karkat was such a grumpy little motherfucker. He even took it with that lazy smile of his; never even let it falter his fantastically chill moods, either. He wondered what he did wrong this time, but knew Karkat would eventually spit it out at him without having to be asked. "I've been calling and texting your inebriated ass for over two whole fucking _hours_, you shit-eating fucktard! Why haven't you answered me!"

"You have?" Gamzee asked, "Well, shit, I'm sorry, bro. I had my phone up on silent. I only knew you were calling now 'cause Tavbro saw my phone light up."

"… Tavros? Are you over at his place again?" Karkat's voice dropped into a growl. There it was again. That feeling, nagging and tearing at his insides like fucking Nepeta on crack. He knew straight out what it was, too.

Indigestion.

Whenever Gamzee chose to stay with Nitram instead of him, Karkat got indigestion. Because like fuck he'd ever be jealous that cripple for being with that retarded Juggalo. Like stupid fuck it would ever make him feel broken hearted when Gamzee chose someone else. Of course he wasn't jealous. Of course Gamzee wasn't fucking his heart with a rusty screwdriver without lube… he just wasn't handling that Soup-in-a-Cup well.

He could hear Gamzee chuckle on the other end. "Yeah, I'm at his place, motherfucker. What, you want me to put you on speaker so you can talk to him too?" Gamzee looked over to the boy in the wheelchair. Tavros gave him a questioning look.

"Who is it?" he mouthed, but quickly received his answer as he heard the loud buzzing coming from the Samsung.

"No, you dumbass! I don't wanna fucking talk to him! I want to know why the fuck you didn't call me when you were supposed to be home hours ago!" Karkat yelled in rage. "I've been worrying my ass off, tch! I mean, I've been waiting my ass off and this whole time, and you've just been lounging like a fucking ignorant, brainless slug at Tavros's house!" He gritted his teeth together. There was silence on the line.

"… You okay, motherfucker?"

"GRAAAAAAAAAGH!" he roared in utter frustration. So loud, it even made Tavros jump. Gamzee winced, he was pretty sure his ear was bleeding now. Karkat could feel his face heat up like a furnace. _Keep it in, Vantas,_ he desperately advised himself, _Hold it in…!_

Like fuck that was happening!

"GAMZEE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING NOOKSUCKER! BE LUCKY YOU'RE NOT FUCKING HERE RIGHT NOW, OR I SWEAR, I WOULD FUCKING POUND YOUR FACE IN WITH A GOGDAMN ZILLYHOO! YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT OF THE HIGHEST CALIBER! DO ME A FAVOR AND HAVE THAT CRIPPLE RUN YOU OVER A GOOD FUCKING THOUSAND TIMES! YOU KNOW WHAT! I REALLY DON'T NEED TO DEAL WITH ANYMORE OF YOUR SHIT TONIGHT. JUST DON'T BOTHER FUCKING COMING HOME, I DON'T FEEL LIKE SEEING YOUR DUMBASS SHIT-SMEARED CLOWN FACE, GOT IT!"

Click.

Dial tone.

"… I think Karkat's mad at me."

Back at their apartment, Karkat slammed his cell phone down to his side on the beaten sofa cushions. He sighed and buried his face in his hands. His brain and heart beat around in a fury. _That fucking piece of shit…_

As he finally felt his emotions cool, he unearthed his head and sunk back into to couch, staring at the menu screen of 27 Dresses. That damn thing was probably burnt into the TV screen by now. Hooray, now every other thing he watched now would have a guest appearance by Katherine Heigl's ghost. But still, he couldn't believe that Gamzee would just ditch him like this on movie night. He promised, too.

"Whatever, not like I really give a fuck." he muttered to himself, "I don't even give a fuck that most of these heart-shaped cookies I baked are going to go to waste either." he narrowed his eyes on the plate (Upside down Frisbee) of chocolate chip treats, clumsily molded into Valentine hearts sitting on the coffee table. Karkat picked up the remote lying next to it and with a tap of a finger began the unraveling of a masterpiece on the TV screen. "I'll just give some to John. I know how much he loves Betty Crocker shit." he continued. He attempted to submerge every negative feeling into the back of his head as the opening scene played.

Hell.

Fucking.

Yes.

This movie was already amazing.

Too bad Gamzee isn't here to see it. Karkat thought. _Too busy playing Pupa Pan with fucking Nitram… But, I don't care. I don't care he chose to spend time with him over me… nope. Who needs him... Damn, I really need some fucking Pepto Bismol._

_Please don't leave me… Please don't leave me… _

_I always say how I don't need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this,_

_Please… don't leave me…_

"Uh… maybe you should call him back?" Tavros suggested timidly, wheeling over to where Gamzee sat on his bed. He looked up thoughtfully at… well… the pot-head. Said man, seeming to ponder the notion… Either that or wondering how magnets work.

"Nah." his response finally came. Tavros furrowed his eyebrows,

"W-Why not?" he asked. Gamzee smiled, setting his hand on top of Tav's head, ruffling his fluffy Mohawk.

"Oh, that motherfucker just gets like this sometimes… This isn't the first it's happened." he explained. "Sometimes, you just gotta ride these little mood swings and things out." Tavros grinned encouragingly.

"Yeah, Gamz! You're right!"

"That is…"

"Huh?"

Gamzee's smile dropped. His eyes peered farther and more vacantly into far-off space. His friendly petting became a firm squeeze on the paraplegic's skull. "Until you remember that thing is all alone with all your motherfucking Faygos…"

"O-Ow! Uh, um, Gamzee, you're kinda hurting me…! Ow! You're reminding me of Vriska…! Tinkerbull, I'm scared!"

Quickly, Gamzee released his grip. "I'm just fucking with ya." he smiled dopily. Tavros let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, heheh…" he laughed nervously. "You, uh, you really got me… uh, bro…"

"So. Wanna make out?"

"Geh."

Twenty minutes into the movie. Karkat wasn't even paying any attention. Stupid Gamzee. Giving him indigestion. He was trying to watch this amazing romcom in peace! But, when he was alone, he couldn't deny he missed Makara. He wished he could just say it.

"Gamzee I lo-" he nearly bit his tongue. He murmured under his breath, trying to pay at least half a mind to this cinematic mirac- marvel. "Gamzee Makara, I loathe you far more than any fucking being on this shithole of a planet, you fucking chimptaint."

That's as far as this was going.

_I miss him already, _Part of Karkat admitted, while the other promptly told it to shut its fucking mouth.

_How did I become so obnoxious?_

_What is it with you that makes me act like this?_

_I've never been this nasty…_

_Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?_

_The one that wins will be the one the hit's the hardest,_

_But baby I don't mean it…_

_I mean it… I promise…_

The next two days. Karkat didn't get a wink of sleep. Despite the fact that since Gamzee was gone he was able to steal his turn for the bed, instead of crashing on the couch. The night was not comfortable. It was somehow too quiet to sleep without Gamzee's noisy snoring.

He stayed inside, watching romcom after romcom. Constantly, _constantly_, wondering what Gamzee was doing, where he was at. Probably cuddled up with Tavros, no doubt. Having a great time without some cranky grouch spitting venom at him nonstop. Karkat thought, in hindsight, about how it could be if could just get himself to be real with Gamz. But he knew it was already too late to suck the poison out.

What was it about Gamzee that made him such a jerk? Gamzee was nothing but wonderful to him. Always there when Karkat needed him. _Except of course on movie nights… _He was forgetful, yes. A huge drug addict, yes. An idiot, maybe. Crazy as fuck, definitely. But he was the most loveable clown you could ever meet. However, Karkat still berated him with insults and all sorts of abuse, and Gamzee just took it all.

Well, you know what? He deserved it in the first place. Maybe if he would just stop choosing Tavros over Karkat and started spending more intimate time with him instead, he wouldn't have to be so cruel…

Who was he trying to kid? He was just a straight-up jealous ass-hat. And right now, he just wanted Gamzee back, and apologize how bad he's treated him, even though he's always been there. Apologize, and never push him away again.

And he would! That is, if Gamzee chose to come back. _Great indigestion _and_ guilt. Thanks a lot, Gamzee._

_Please don't leave me… Please don't leave me… _

_I always say how I don't need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this,_

_Please… don't leave me…_

Actually now, he just wanted to sleep. Karkat lay in bed, begging his body to just go to sleep. He tried counting imaginary crabs jumping across the ceiling. When that didn't work, the crabs began fighting. A bloody war. All death, no mercy. Amongst the fury, one brave crab shuffled onto a pile of dead crab carcasses. Karcrab the Great. He held his pinchers out wide, welcoming fate for a final embrace. "Take my country!" he cried, "But you will never take my free-!"

"_That's a huge bitch!_"

Karkat's make believe war was interrupted by his cell going off on the nightstand next to the bed. He snatched it off, making sure to check the time before flipping it open.

5 fucking 47 A.M..

Who the fuck was trying to IM him this fucking early?

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: hey douche bag.

CG: IT'S 5 AM. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

TA: get. your. clown.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TA: fuckiing gam2ee'2 here. get hiim out. can you talk two hiim or 2omethiing? he'2 really pii22iing me off and he won't leave.

CG: WAIT, WHAT?

CG: HE'S THERE RIGHT NOW?

CG: WHY?

CG: HAVE YOU TWO EVEN MET BEFORE?

TA: look kk ii don't even really fuckiing know. all ii know ii2 that apparently you're mad at hiim and tavro2 kicked hiim out of hii2 pla2e.

TA: he ju2t 2aiid iit wa2 becau2e he kept tryiing two make out wiith hiim.

CG: HE WHAT!

CG: WAIT, SO HE'S THERE RIGHT NOW? READING THIS, TOO?

TA: yeah, man. can you ju2t get hiim two leave? he'2 eatiing all of my honey, kk.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: dammiit, kk.

TA: cmon, he'2 really creepiing me out here…

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]

CG: FINE.

CG: GAMZEE, STOP BEING A DOUCHEMUFFIN AND COME BACK HOME.

CG: PLEASE.

TA: he 2aiid no.

CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SAID NO!

TA: he want2 an apology.

TA: never knew clown2 were 2o 2tubborn.

CG: FUCK GAMZEE! JUST COME HOME!

TA: ApOlOgIzE, MoThErFuCkER.

TA: HoNk.

CG: GAMZEE, STOP BEING DIFFICULT.

twinArmageddons [TA] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]

twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TA: kk, you're makiing hiim grumpy.

TA: oh my gog, wiill you ju2t apologi2e!

CG: GAH!

CG: GAMZEE, I'M SORRY, OK? JUST COME BACK HOME.

CG: FUCKING SHITSPONGE.

TA: kk!

CG: SORRY.

TA: oh 2hiit. That biitch i2 gone.

Karkat sprung out of the bed, speeding to the living, only stumbling once over a ninja horn. He exited out of his and Sollux's chat and began trolling terminallyCapricious. He repeatedly asked where he was and what he was doing, but received to response. He called a million times too, only getting sent to voicemail. And so, getting to business and taking action, Karkat began pacing the living room.

An hour later, there was a honk outside the door.

Karkat leapt over and swung the door open. Before he could even look up to his face, he was hit by the heavy and stale smell of marijuana. That might wane the touching reunion a tad.

"Gamzee! There you are!" he cried, grabbing the Capricorn by the arm and tugging him into the apartment.

"Hey, motherfucker," Gamzee greeted, letting himself be jolted inside. He stumbled then landed in a slouch, staring at his little roommate shut the door. Karkat turned around to him. Gamzee was a mess as usual. His hair was a tangled sea of black-purple waves, his eyes were bloodshot, his clothes were wrinkled, and his make-up was smeared… He still looked as good as ever, though. "What's up?" He was cleared stoned out of his mind, but wasn't too far gone yet.

"Nothing, nothing's up." he walked closer to his moirail, "What about you? You didn't do anything stupid while you were gone, did you?" he interrogated. Gamzee just pursed his lips and scratched the side of his head. Suddenly, he stopped, and a grin began to spread on him, like a shit-faced rash.

"What's this?" he mused excitedly, the pulled out a key ring with only one key. "Hey! There's my keys!" he laughed.

"Did you just pull that out you fucking hair." Karkat pointed at Gamzee's mane with a dumbfounded expression. Gamzee dangled the key in front of his face, then lurched back as if it startled him, "Whoa! I guess I did."

"If you had your key, why didn't you just come home, then?" he asked. Gamzee chuckled, dazedly.

"Because that cute motherfucker Tavros is just too fun to chill with."

He did it. He just _had _to bring it up.

"Well, fuckass, if he's that fun why didn't you just _stay_ over there!" Karkat snapped.

"D'uh…!" his head swayed on his shoulders, "Because I tried to make-out with him a thousand times," Karkat thought he felt a vessel burst in his brain.

"YOU WERE SERIOUS ABOUT THAT!" he shouted at him, "YOU BRAINLESS FUCKING MANWHORE!" he balled his hands into tight fists. It took everything in him not to charge forward and wail on the jackass. Gamzee frowned, his arms dropping limp at his sides, "Now that was just motherfucking mean." he said, and turned towards the door, "Fine. I guess I'll just sneak back into Tav's pad."

_I forgot to say out loud,_

_How beautiful you really are to me,_

_I cannot be without…_

_You're my perfect little punching bag,_

_And I need you…_

_I'm sorry…_

"No…" Karkat tsked, once again, grabbing Gamzee's arm and pulling him back. He wasn't letting him leave again this easily. "Gamzee, look."

"Yeah?" Makara stared down at him with a lazy gazey… because it motherfucking rhymes. However, Karkat's gazey went down to the floor.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Gamzee." he said lowly. Without warning, he pulled the Juggalo into a tight, awkward hug. He had started this, and there was no stopping him now, "I'm sorry that I always treat you like shit, I'm sorry I always take you for granted, I'm sorry I never appreciate you, I'm sorry I get so jealous, I'm so sorry… I mean it…" damn it, he was getting all emotional now. His eyes began to water, he started trembling like a Chihuahua in the Arctic, he sniffled. Fucking. Sniffled.

"Shit, Karkat, you okay?" he put his hand on top of Karkat's head. "You're acting pretty silly. Hey, don't cry…" he coaxed in his gravelly voice. Karkat shook his head, causing Gamzee to release his noggin. He looked up at him with watery eyes.

"Gamzee, I need you. I need you here with me. I don't mean it when I push you away. I was an idiot for that." he admitted. "I…" Karkat trailed off. Could he say it? Well, he certainly did fucking practice it enough in the fucking mirror. "I… I really love you, Gamzee." he confessed, his blush deep. And before Gamzee's smoke-clouded think pan could even process his words, Karkat raised up on his tiptoes and caught his lips in a deep kiss. He removed his arms from his waist, and wrapped them around his neck. He could feel Gamzee smirk against his lips.

"It's about motherfucking time…" he spoke into the kiss. Karkat flushed as Gamzee curled his arms around his back and began to kiss him back. He knew watching all those movies would pay off! But truly, he was just overly relieved that Gamzee forgave him. _I can't live without you._ he whispered in his mind. _I love you so much._ He never wanted to let go.

But all things come to an end. The two slowly broke the kiss, staring into each other's eyes.

"I love you." Karkat repeated. Gamzee kissed him once more on the forehead.

"I love you, too, man." he chuckled. "Are you okay now, brother?" he asked tenderly, loosening his grip on the shorter boy.

"Just, please don't leave me." Karkat requested as he squeezed him tighter.

**Even though my OTP for Homestuck is of course some PBJ, this song is just too fitting for these two~ X3 **


End file.
